Connection: Kite Runner and Jacob Have I Loved

Today, I was thinking about expectations. How do they entitle us, destroy us, manifest themselves in our lives so seamlessly? To what extent do expectations shape our actions, values and self-worth?

In Kite Runner, Amir is constantly fighting a war against who he is and what his father expects from him. He wants nothing more than to feel truly accepted and valued by his father, but he feels that he never quite measures up. He's too sensitive, too weak, and not the son Baba expects to carry on his legacy. In Amir's eyes, Hassan assumes that role.

Because of Amir's perceptions, he tries to sabotage Hassan's relationship with Baba, while trying to enhance his image as the brave son. Amir is the legitimate son; the entitled boy who has everything he ever wanted. Without even knowing the true relationship between himself and Hassan, he feels challenged by the affection Baba shows towards both of them. This is the reason he makes games out of Hassan's illiteracy; to prove to himself that he is the one worthy of his father's attention, not the "stupid" Hazara boy.

The connection between the two young boys was that of brothers. Amir wouldn't find out how true that was until much later. Their relationship was a unique rivalry: Hassan needed nothing from Baba and Amir except Amir's friendship, but Amir viewed Hassan as a friend until he got in the way of Amir and Baba. It was a one sided rivalry- one that Hassan didn't intend to begin and Amir had no control over.

Their relationship reminded me of a book I read a long time ago, Jacob Have I Loved. It tells the story of a girl, Sara Louise, who lives on the Chesapeake Bay with her twin sister Caroline, her mom and dad, and her grandmother. Her sister has always been the talented one, and while Sara Louise spends her time crab-fishing to make money for her sister's voice lessons, Caroline stays behind to help her mother around the house. Her sister's contributions seem to be much more appreciated by the family. Sara feels trapped by her small town and feels under appreciated by family and friends. She's just there. Caroline is considered brave for succeeding despite an illness she suffered as a child, and is adored and looked up to by all.

Does this theme of resentment and need of reassurance sound familiar? Although Sara Louise doesn't take her pain out on others, she definitely wants the pride her parents feel for Caroline's achievements. However similar the plots may be, it was the consequence of expectations that struck me in both stories.

Sara Louise believes that no one expects anything out of her, so she doesn't feel the same positive motivation and pressure that her parents put on Caroline. Her childhood friend, who she had a crush on, proposes to her sister later in the story and they get married. Of course, to Sara Louise this is devastating, but she figures it only makes sense that Caroline would get what she wants in life. Because of this self-deprecating attitude, she lets opportunities nearly pass her by and makes her life in the small town a constant reminder of how she fails to measure up to her sister.

She makes a competition between herself and Caroline that could have been avoided if she valued her own worth more. If she could appreciate what she did for the family instead of trying to compare it to her sister's accomplishments, she could have realized her potential far earlier. The fact is, no one can be directly compared to someone else. Caroline's passion and success in the arts cannot be measured up against Sara's business aptitude and ability to care for her family. Towards the end of the book, Sara realizes the value of her own talents and discovers that she was the force holding herself back all along. This helps her to work up to her potential and succeed.

Expectations can destroy us if we limit ourselves by them. If we strive to the best of our ability to do what we love, maybe we will even discover that "others' expectations" were fabrications of our mind in the first place.